Todd and Tyler Unauthorized Forums

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an
assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun,
adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed
it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it
was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave).

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for
a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong??

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY
$HIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure
Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again!!!

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a
taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-...
That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh,
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been
shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still
looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.

Bud's Moral of the story. If you are going to test out a taser for your wife...... Here kitty kitty.

**mike** · 10-02-2008

You deserved it !!!!!!!

**ob1** · 10-02-2008

...still haven't found your balls yet huh?

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

I better find them before the wife does!!

josh · 10-02-2008

**dracula** · 10-02-2008

Quote:

Originally Posted by ob1

...still haven't found your balls yet huh?

I thought they were currently in the possession of OMomma....

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

**Thender** · 10-02-2008

We had a guy try that here on his poodle... RIP....

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

Guys who have poodles are gay. Unless of course they taser them.

**Thender** · 10-02-2008

A pug is a hairless poodle...

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

Not even close.

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

**Thender** · 10-02-2008

Yeah, ok... A pug is a hairless poodle with it's face pushed in...

**Thender** · 10-02-2008

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

**Bud** · 10-02-2008

**Thender** · 10-02-2008

jpa · 10-03-2008

**dracula** · 10-04-2008

So the Pug is scared and backing away from a Holy Man who is trying to bless him....
I knew they were Devil Spawn...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bud

**mike** · 10-04-2008

Who, the Holy Man or the Pug ?

**Thender** · 10-04-2008

**Bud** · 10-06-2008

**dracula** · 10-06-2008

Good question.....

10-02-2008	#1
Bud Wanna Bet??? Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Plattsmeth Age: 38 Posts: 14,675 Throcks: 21,923.39 Thanks: 16,940 Thanked 18,364 Times in 4,269 Posts	Gift for the Wife Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife, who would never consider a gun, adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working. Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on, with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it,' reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button..... And HOLY $HIT, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION, @!@$$!%!@*!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again!!! I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. You should know, if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return. Bud's Moral of the story. If you are going to test out a taser for your wife...... Here kitty kitty. __________________ Click Here, Free Naked Ladies

10-02-2008	#2
mike BOOOOOOOOOOOOBIES!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 36 Posts: 15,623 Throcks: 2,349.24 Thanks: 19,065 Thanked 11,261 Times in 2,609 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife You deserved it !!!!!!! __________________ If I like you, leave a message. If I don't , don't bother. If I don't know you, why the hell you calling me ??

10-02-2008	#3
ob1 kenobi Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 7,290 Throcks: 3,118.22 Thanks: 1,421 Thanked 3,628 Times in 704 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife ...still haven't found your balls yet huh? __________________

10-02-2008	#4
Bud Wanna Bet??? Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Plattsmeth Age: 38 Posts: 14,675 Throcks: 21,923.39 Thanks: 16,940 Thanked 18,364 Times in 4,269 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife I better find them before the wife does!! __________________ Click Here, Free Naked Ladies

10-02-2008	#5
josh MMMMMMM......BBQ Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: THE UNIQUE CITY OF BELLEVUE Age: 32 Posts: 2,725 Throcks: 89.55 Thanks: 3,753 Thanked 1,218 Times in 229 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife __________________ THIS SPACE FOR RENT.

10-02-2008	#8
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,875 Throcks: 7,872.88 Thanks: 17,268 Thanked 20,294 Times in 4,997 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife We had a guy try that here on his poodle... RIP.... __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush.

10-02-2008	#9
Bud Wanna Bet??? Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Plattsmeth Age: 38 Posts: 14,675 Throcks: 21,923.39 Thanks: 16,940 Thanked 18,364 Times in 4,269 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife Guys who have poodles are gay. Unless of course they taser them. __________________ Click Here, Free Naked Ladies

10-02-2008	#10
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,875 Throcks: 7,872.88 Thanks: 17,268 Thanked 20,294 Times in 4,997 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife A pug is a hairless poodle... __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush.

10-02-2008	#11
Bud Wanna Bet??? Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Plattsmeth Age: 38 Posts: 14,675 Throcks: 21,923.39 Thanks: 16,940 Thanked 18,364 Times in 4,269 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife Not even close. __________________ Click Here, Free Naked Ladies

10-02-2008	#13
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,875 Throcks: 7,872.88 Thanks: 17,268 Thanked 20,294 Times in 4,997 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife Yeah, ok... A pug is a hairless poodle with it's face pushed in... __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush.

10-03-2008	#18
jpa Special Members Listens: Podcast Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Omaha Age: 28 Posts: 8,077 Throcks: 3,148.93 Thanks: 1,381 Thanked 6,734 Times in 1,384 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife __________________ "Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance." --Sam Brown

10-04-2008	#20
mike BOOOOOOOOOOOOBIES!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 36 Posts: 15,623 Throcks: 2,349.24 Thanks: 19,065 Thanked 11,261 Times in 2,609 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife Who, the Holy Man or the Pug ? __________________ If I like you, leave a message. If I don't , don't bother. If I don't know you, why the hell you calling me ??

10-06-2008	#22
Bud Wanna Bet??? Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Plattsmeth Age: 38 Posts: 14,675 Throcks: 21,923.39 Thanks: 16,940 Thanked 18,364 Times in 4,269 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife __________________ Click Here, Free Naked Ladies

10-06-2008	#23
dracula Your Mom hates you, she told me so.... Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 45 Posts: 6,012 Throcks: 9.44 Thanks: 12,580 Thanked 16,721 Times in 3,842 Posts	Re: Gift for the Wife Good question..... __________________ I'm giving serious consideration...to eating your wife...Hannibal Lechter