Todd and Tyler Unauthorized Forums

shutterbug · 04-24-2006

Okay this is a little long but I thought funnier than hell

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking:...so, that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse???" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"NO!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

**mike** · 04-24-2006

little long,but not bad.

josh · 04-24-2006

exactly

Lynniebits · 04-24-2006

LMAO, Oh my God...that is the truest best thing I have ever read. Loved it. Maybe I loved it a little too much, I mean should I have loved it as much as I did after only reading it once, what if it doesn't love me, well maybe that is OK, I mean maybe a joke shouldn't love me...maybe we need some time.

shutterbug · 04-24-2006

It does seem sort of true

**Thender** · 04-24-2006

After being married for 11 years I can whole heartedly say that that is the truest damn thing I have ever read! Pass the Dorittos.

msquared · 04-24-2006

Can I Get A Amen!!?

**Thender** · 04-24-2006

Amen!

KUfan_Donnie · 04-24-2006

So true...I notice no one is defending the woman's need to (over)analyze everything...

That, right there, makes me chuckle even more

teachergirl · 04-24-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Donnie

So true...I notice no one is defending the woman's need to (over)analyze everything...

That, right there, makes me chuckle even more

What do you mean women overanalyze everything? Like Lynnie was saying, sometimes it is important to really UNDERSTAND a joke...to figure out what it is feeling, even if it isn't really sure. I think Lynnie and I were just discussing this over a tub of Ben and Jerry's the other day....

**Thender** · 04-25-2006

**mike** · 04-25-2006

Lynniebits · 04-25-2006

Yeah, um, did you guys miss that I was overanalyzing the joke...trying to be funny here man, tough crowd...cuz its all men I am sure.

Lynniebits · 04-25-2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by teachergirl

What do you mean women overanalyze everything? Like Lynnie was saying, sometimes it is important to really UNDERSTAND a joke...to figure out what it is feeling, even if it isn't really sure. I think Lynnie and I were just discussing this over a tub of Ben and Jerry's the other day....

Ha, actually yesterday we were analyzing my obsession with bartenders...

teachergirl · 04-25-2006

That's right! I'm not ashamed to admit that I overanalyze my relationships with men. After all, it gives me one hell of an excuse to go to the bar and drink

shutterbug · 04-25-2006

and there in lies the problem

**Thender** · 04-25-2006

What problem?

teachergirl · 04-25-2006

I think Shutter doesn't approve of me drinking at a bar...

If the man only knew what alcohol does to me...

**Thender** · 04-25-2006

I know what it did to me this morning...

04-24-2006	#1
shutterbug Off The Deep End Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Middle of Nowhere Age: 32 Posts: 1,174 Throcks: 426.54 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 1 Post	The Difference Okay this is a little long but I thought funnier than hell Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking:...so, that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.) "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse???" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "NO!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says. "What way?" says Roger. "That way about time," says Elaine. "Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says. "Thank you," says Roger. Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?" And that's the difference between men and women. __________________ I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

04-24-2006	#2
mike BOOOOOOOOOOOOBIES!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 36 Posts: 15,614 Throcks: 2,530.10 Thanks: 19,018 Thanked 11,212 Times in 2,600 Posts	Re: The Difference little long,but not bad. __________________ If I like you, leave a message. If I don't , don't bother. If I don't know you, why the hell you calling me ??

04-24-2006	#3
josh MMMMMMM......BBQ Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: THE UNIQUE CITY OF BELLEVUE Age: 32 Posts: 2,723 Throcks: 84.71 Thanks: 3,743 Thanked 1,210 Times in 227 Posts	Re: The Difference exactly __________________ THIS SPACE FOR RENT.

04-24-2006	#4
Lynniebits Fear me, if you dare! Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Back in Counciltucky! Age: 34 Posts: 2,203 Throcks: 560.54 Thanks: 0 Thanked 36 Times in 7 Posts	Re: The Difference LMAO, Oh my God...that is the truest best thing I have ever read. Loved it. Maybe I loved it a little too much, I mean should I have loved it as much as I did after only reading it once, what if it doesn't love me, well maybe that is OK, I mean maybe a joke shouldn't love me...maybe we need some time. __________________ Life is too short for bras and uncomfortable shoes.

04-24-2006	#5
shutterbug Off The Deep End Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Middle of Nowhere Age: 32 Posts: 1,174 Throcks: 426.54 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 1 Post	Re: The Difference It does seem sort of true __________________ I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

04-24-2006	#6
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,871 Throcks: 7,860.95 Thanks: 17,217 Thanked 20,266 Times in 4,993 Posts	Re: The Difference After being married for 11 years I can whole heartedly say that that is the truest damn thing I have ever read! Pass the Dorittos. __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush. Last edited by Thender; 04-24-2006 at 09:52 PM.

04-24-2006	#7
msquared Frotch Central Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Lincoln, Ne Posts: 327 Throcks: 423.46 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 1 Post	Re: The Difference Can I Get A Amen!!? __________________ "I am in earnest; I will not equivocate; I will not excuse; I will not retreat a single inch; and I will be heard." William Lloyd Garrison

04-24-2006	#8
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,871 Throcks: 7,860.95 Thanks: 17,217 Thanked 20,266 Times in 4,993 Posts	Re: The Difference Amen! __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush.

04-24-2006	#9
KUfan_Donnie Recovering Gambling Addict Listens: Podcast Join Date: May 2005 Age: 21 Posts: 4,070 Throcks: 1,444.05 Thanks: 3,289 Thanked 669 Times in 136 Posts	Re: The Difference So true...I notice no one is defending the woman's need to (over)analyze everything... That, right there, makes me chuckle even more __________________ My liver must hate me

04-25-2006	#11
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,871 Throcks: 7,860.95 Thanks: 17,217 Thanked 20,266 Times in 4,993 Posts	Re: The Difference ^ __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush. Last edited by Thender; 04-25-2006 at 07:09 AM.

04-25-2006	#12
mike BOOOOOOOOOOOOBIES!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 36 Posts: 15,614 Throcks: 2,530.10 Thanks: 19,018 Thanked 11,212 Times in 2,600 Posts	Re: The Difference __________________ If I like you, leave a message. If I don't , don't bother. If I don't know you, why the hell you calling me ??

04-25-2006	#13
Lynniebits Fear me, if you dare! Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Back in Counciltucky! Age: 34 Posts: 2,203 Throcks: 560.54 Thanks: 0 Thanked 36 Times in 7 Posts	Re: The Difference Yeah, um, did you guys miss that I was overanalyzing the joke...trying to be funny here man, tough crowd...cuz its all men I am sure. __________________ Life is too short for bras and uncomfortable shoes.

04-25-2006	#15
teachergirl If you give me enough throcks, I'll play with your Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Omaha - the good side Age: 31 Posts: 1,712 Throcks: 429.92 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: The Difference That's right! I'm not ashamed to admit that I overanalyze my relationships with men. After all, it gives me one hell of an excuse to go to the bar and drink __________________ Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

04-25-2006	#16
shutterbug Off The Deep End Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Middle of Nowhere Age: 32 Posts: 1,174 Throcks: 426.54 Thanks: 0 Thanked 4 Times in 1 Post	Re: The Difference and there in lies the problem __________________ I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.

04-25-2006	#17
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,871 Throcks: 7,860.95 Thanks: 17,217 Thanked 20,266 Times in 4,993 Posts	Re: The Difference What problem? __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush.

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04-25-2006	#18
teachergirl If you give me enough throcks, I'll play with your Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Omaha - the good side Age: 31 Posts: 1,712 Throcks: 429.92 Thanks: 0 Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts	Re: The Difference I think Shutter doesn't approve of me drinking at a bar... If the man only knew what alcohol does to me... __________________ Peter (as a child): Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Man at Museum: Because you touch yourself at night.

04-25-2006	#19
Thender Always riding the ragged edge of disaster. Listens: Z92 - Mornings Join Date: May 2005 Age: 38 Posts: 24,871 Throcks: 7,860.95 Thanks: 17,217 Thanked 20,266 Times in 4,993 Posts	Re: The Difference I know what it did to me this morning... __________________ Shenandoah, American Legion Post #88 Color Guard, State Color Guard Champions for 2008 - 2009 Two in the mouth is worth one in the bush.